I thought you'd save me
by BloodyMiry
Summary: Post "Normal Again". Kind of spoilery. Buffy tries to recover, and contemplates her treatment of Spike.


Spoiler alert: post "Normal Again", spoilers for Normal again and generally spoilerish for season 6

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters; if I did do you think they'd be in as much angst and pain as they are? I'm also borrowing the last scene from Normal Again, because my writers block wouldn't really let me start writing with out it….

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Buffy stood in her basement, looking at her friends scared faces. "I'm so sorry…" she whispered, as tears formed in her eyes.

She started to walk toward Willow and Xander. 

"Buffy?" Willow questioned.

"We're ok… it's all ok." Xander stated.

She wavered where she stood; Willow barely reached out to her, saying, "Buffy, sit down… you'll fall over."

Her reply was steady, even as the cold, distant look crept back into her eyes. "I can't. Not until we have the antidote".

"Ok…. We'll make more; we'll take care of it. Everything's going to be ok, Buffy." 

+ + + + + + + + + + 

Dawn led Buffy to her room, and both girls sat on the bed in silence. Dawn became more and more worried about her sister as Buffy sat there and stared into nothingness with more coldness in her eyes than Dawn had ever seen. Finally, Buffy broke the silence.

"Dawnie, I am so sorry for earlier. I just felt so lost, like someone or something else was controlling my actions. I'm so scared, Dawn."

"Buffy, Willow is going to get you the antidote and then you'll be fine. Everything will be back to normal. Buffy, um, I need to ask you…do you remember everything you said to me earlier?"

Buffy thought back to the argument she'd had with Dawn earlier. She visibly paled when her words came crashing back into her memory _*what's more real? A  sick girl in an institution or some kind of supergirl… one who sleeps with a vampire she hates….* _

"Oh no…."

"It's true then. You weren't just babbling- you've been sleeping with Spike. And you hate him still. Buffy, how could you?"

"Dawn, please. It's not like that. Really, it's…"

"No Buffy. How could you use him like that? You know he loves you, Buffy. You _have _to know that by now."

"I'm not so sure about that anymore, Dawn."

Dawn stood up and stomped to the door. "I can't believe you Buffy. I can't believe you hate him so much that you'd treat him like that." She stormed out of the room, bumping into Willow on her way out.

"Here's another mug of antidote goodness for ya, Buffy." Willow handed her the mug and sat on the bed to be sure she drank it this time.

"Thanks." Buffy whispered, never meeting Willow's eyes.

"Buffy, what was that all about with Dawn just now? I know she's a little freaked out by all of this, but it sounded like she wasn't just upset about what happened to you today."

"She's not, Will. There's so much more that's wrong. And I think it's time I told you about it."

Buffy spent the next hour telling Willow everything that had happened with Spike. Willow felt so bad that she'd not seen the signs earlier, that she hadn't been there for her best friend. Both girls cried, and Buffy told Willow about what Spike had told her earlier that afternoon, before she poured out the first batch of antidote.

"You know, Willow, I was just starting to think that I might, just might, be able to love him, despite what all of you would think of me. I need him; he simplifies things. In some ways, I think he completes a part of me. But now, I just don't know. I think I've finally managed to kill whatever love he may have for me."

Buffy laughed bitterly, and then continued. "You know, for some odd reason I just remembered something that Warren's girlfriend-bot said to me. When he left her she went on and on about how she could make him happy if he'd let her. He'd even programmed her with all these clichés, 'every cloud has a silver lining, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. He was my silver lining and my lemonade, Will. And now I've pushed him away."

Willow sat there with silent tears falling from her eyes as she heard the pain in her best friend's voice. "Buffy, why don't you try to get some rest now. I'm sure he'll be back to check on you a little later. Maybe you two can talk then."

"Yeah, maybe. Rest does sound good now. I think I'll try to take a little nap."

Willow left, softly closing the door behind her. Buffy curled up on her bed, staring out the window at the late afternoon rays of sunshine, letting hot tears fall from her eyes until she drifted off to sleep.

Downstairs, Xander sat in the kitchen with Tara, trying to process everything that had happened in the last few days. Willow walked in on what was apparently a discussion about the bleach-blonde vampire they all loved to hate.

Xander said to Tara, "I mean, I almost felt sorry for Spike, you know, some of the things he was saying- I mean I think his little obsession with Buffy has led him to be just as delusional as Buffy was today."

Willow noticed the look on Tara's face as Xander talked about Spike. "He's not delusional, Xander. They've been together. You knew, didn't you, Tara?"

"W-well, sort of, yes, I knew."

"WHAT?! I'll kill him. Find me a stake, he's as good as dust!"

"No, Xander!" both girls cried out at once.

"Xander, this is hard on her, and I'm sure that there are things that we don't understand." Willow told him. "I think that we need to let them figure things out, and just be supportive for Buffy. She's been through a lot this year Xander, and as much as I know that you don't like the idea, he makes some part of her happy."

"I cannot believe you, Willow. You really mean to tell me that you're happy about this?"

"Right now, I honestly don't know, Xander. But I know that criticizing her and telling her it's wrong will only make things worse. We need to trust that she's capable of making her own decisions. I'm sure that he'll come back to check on her later, maybe you should go and not be here when he comes back. The two of you fighting again is so _not _what she needs right now."

"Fine, but I'm not happy about this. I'll call to check on her later." With that Xander stalked to the front door and left.

+ + + + + + + + + + 

Tara and Willow sat in the kitchen, trying to figure out the best way to help Buffy. As soon as it was dark outside, a knock on the back door startled them out of the rather awkward silence they'd settled into. Willow opened the door to reveal a very weary-looking Spike. 

"Spike, come in."

"Thanks Red." He said, trying to cover up the uncertainty in his voice. "How's she doing? Any better?"

"Well, she was sleeping earlier. Why don't you go up and check on her?"

"No, Red, I don't think so. I'm fairly certain that I'm the last face she would want to see when she woke up. I just came by to see if she was any better." He started walking back toward the door. "You don't even have to tell her that I was here. In fact, it'd probably be better if you didn't."

"No, Spike. Wait." Willow caught his arm before he opened the door. He turned and looked at her, confused. "I really think that you should at least go up and see her. It might help things… maybe. Just go see if she's awake. See her for yourself. And if she's not awake, and you still don't want to talk to her tonight, then you don't have to."

"Fine. I'll be back in a little bit."

Spike knocked softly on her door, and opened it slowly, as not to wake her if she was asleep. Buffy was still lying curled up hugging a pillow, facing her now dark window. He gazed at her for a moment; taking in how peaceful she looked, and then turned to leave. Just as his hand began to turn the doorknob, her voice caused him to turn around.

"How long was I gone?"

"Come again, love? You didn't really go anywhere, you were just sleeping this afternoon."

"That's not what I meant. I mean last summer. Tell me again how long I was gone."

"A hundred and fourty-seven days, pet."

"And every night you saved me." Her voice caught as she finished the statement.

He crossed the room and sat in the chair next to her bed. "Yes, love, every night I did."

She turned over to face him, and he could see the fresh tears making tracks down her face. "But you wouldn't save me today."

He cocked his head to the side, with a look of sheer confusion. She went on.

"I've been so awful to you, that you didn't even want to try to save me today. I was trying to find something in this reality to cling to, and you just showed me how horrible I'd been to you and everyone else. When I needed you to pull me back, you couldn't even try."

Spike had no words for her. He couldn't even begin to imagine the pain he'd caused her. He'd done exactly what he told her he wouldn't ever do. He just sat there, wanting to hold her and take her pain away, but afraid to even try to touch her. Buffy closed her eyes and hugged her pillow tighter. As more tears fell from her eyes, she tried to push the sob that had risen in her throat back down. Spike watched her, saw how scared and defeated she looked.

"Buffy, love, I am sorry. But I just think that you need to be honest with yourself if you're ever going to be happy. And that's all I want for you, really, is to be happy."

She opened her eyes and looked into his crystal blue ones. "No, Spike, I'm sorry. I didn't want to see what was right in front of me all along. And now I've managed to kill it. I've managed to kill any feeling you had for me."

"No! Buffy, that's not what I meant."

"Stop, Spike." She turned away from him again. Her next words were a whisper. "Just go, Spike, just go ahead and go."

He knew better than to push her, so he got up and walked out the door. As the door closed, she finally let the sobs take over, and as she cried, she cried for the love she thought she'd lost, for the part of her that would never be complete without him. "I love you, Spike, I really do love you…." She cried the rest of the night, until she fell into a restless sleep, dreaming of clouds and lemonade.

End… maybe?

Notes: I originally meant to end this story with just this part, but now the sappy, shipper voice in my head is taking over and telling me I should try to resolve it. What do y'all think? Please review and tell me what you think. Would you like to see more or leave it here?  Or should I leave it here and start on a happier fic? Help me decide, people… thanks ever so :) 


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